Public transport, now only 3.3 cents a day

08022010 – 202822

So far, I have been riding the Olympic Line transportation option for fourteen hours a day (because it is more comfortable and better air-conditioned than my $300/month “Special Freelance Media Accommodation” in the old port) and, along with the entire Best Place on Planet Globe region, which I represent in spiritu, have been really impressed with the entire Olympic Line initiative.

The line is “state-of-the-art” because, unlike earlier “demonstration” trams models imported from former Soviet Union republics, these Bombardier Flexcity models have fully functioning brake technologies that permit “safe and controlled stops in any conditions”.

The line, surprisingly, is also quite accessible. There are presently two (2) stations–one (1) each precisely at the location where the tracks ends and a steep precipice begins–but, as the promotional brochure states, “passengers are [quite] welcome to wade through the mud-filled moats on either side of the 1.8 km line and ‘Jump on anywhere, anytime TM’”, which is quite revolutionary—indeed a first for a world-class transit system.

The line is also sustainable in that it will run for only two months out of the entire century (January 21 and March 21, 2010), meaning the international media will have plenty of time to not get tired of its regularly-scheduled press releases and City unionized tram drivers will still be able to access their sick, vacation and strike leave entitlements without restrictions.

As far as success goes, over 6,000 people rode the streetcar on opening day and over 9,000 people per day (p.p.d.) rode the streetcar on the opening weekend. (No tallies of weekday ridership were conducted since working class commuters that “could have been aware of and/or should have used other forms of non-demonstration paid public transport” are not eligible for official press release tallies.)

As far as costs, the numbers are equally impressive. The line, according to official press releases, covers “approx. 1.8km of track”, depending on the nature and severity of the derailment, and cost exactly $8.5 million to upgrade-build (from the existing amusement-park-ride Downtown Historic Railway infrastructure).

In terms of price-to-benefit ratio, these costs are simply staggering. Just check out these calculations (passing grade from a regionally-certified grade twelve mathematics course is required):

$8,500,000 / 16 (weekend) days of operation = $531,250 per (weekend) day
$531,250 per (weekend) day / 9,000 riders per (weekend) day = $59.03 per rider per day
$59.03 per rider per day / 1,800 meters of track = $0.033 per meter per rider per day

So, as you see, the cost-benefit ratio of electrified public transport is staggering.

Compared to the original sustainable transportation plan, which was affectionately dubbed as the “Brown Plan” and consisted of leasing used Californian donkey and apportioning one donkey per ten riders per hour, the current option cost only 3.3 cents per meter per rider per day to operate and it thus future-feasible.

The Portfolio Minister of Interior Ass-Mule Transportation Options for the Best Place on Planet Globe will surely be impressed with these modern transportation options.

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“Mass Transit That’s Not for the Masses”

07022010 – 161047

Riding the brand new, Lego-style Canada Line (without paid fare, as usual), I noticed a peculiar, persistent feature of the mass transit system (that included the older Expo and Millenium lines) is its “Mass Transit That’s Not for the Masses” feature.

Travelling to all of the sixteen station of this “rapid rail service” (which, on rare sections, actually surpassed, as their spokesperson smugly proclaimed, “the speed of a donkey galloping to its feeding trough“), it appeared that each and every station had platforms built to accommodate ONLY trains of roughly Mbutu provincial railway station size—apparently because “the regions [the rapid mass transit rail service] served weren’t populated densely enough” to warrant urban mass-transit-sized station platforms.

Personally, I think a similar “Mass Transit That’s Not for the Masses” initiative, much like the lessons of the fable by Aesop, would greatly benefit the masses of the centre of the Best Place on Planet Globe: the presence of a shiny mass transit system would great impress the excellence of the Illustrious Leader onto international dignitaries, while the lack of actual, day-to-day usefulness of the system would greatly disrupt the flow of res publica and, thus, be an effective preventative measures against social unrest street…

…or, as our regional urban planning mantra goes: “Let them revolt (underground)”.

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“Welcome 2 Canada”

07022010 – 112853

Wandering the city aimlessly on a winter afternoon, on an empty stomach, I came to notice an interesting phenomenon–quite a few buses in the host city flashing the phrase “Welcome 2 Canada” across their LED destination signs. Instantly, I was impressed, especially with the last two components of the phrase “2 Canada” and was inclined to make a hasty suggestion to the Ministry of Words, Sports and Tourism to start using similar phrasing in their brochures and other self-promotional material (targeted at well-off First-world foreign-born visitors).

Specifically, using the number “2″ instead of the grammatically correct “to” seemed to instill, in foreign, well-off visitors, the feeling that the Olympic host region was a culturally-inclusive entity that welcomed well-off individuals of any cultural background and/or linguistic ability–essentially stating that “we [were] a simple nation not concerned with silly little things like grammar and spelling, but with important matters, like foreign direct investment and profits”.

Secondly, welcoming individuals only to “2 Canada” seemed to send the direct message that the host region was not terribly welcoming of internal visitors (i.e. tourists from within the country)—only clearly (well-off) foreign visitors—most likely, I imagine, because internal visitors usually stayed for only a few days, and with relatives at that, and brought with them packed processed bologna sandwiches and canned turkey lunch meat anyway and, as a result, did not contribute to the well-being of the economy. (Therefore, evidently, they should not be welcomed in “2 Canada”.)

I will be sending similar suggestions for our region to the Minister quite immediately.

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the future of (Subtropical) Winter Games

06022010 – 212643

Today is my first day at (actually, about 4.3km east of) the site of the XXI Winter Olympic Games and the daffodils have come out and greet me. In fact, little stalks of grasses, tree branch buds and other bulb perennials sprouting in gardens throughout the host region have also come out to welcome me.

(I was late for the welcoming committee event because the ride I hitched from the Best Place on Planet Globe dropped me off at the outskirts, not at the centre.)

Looking at all of this mild mid-winter Garden of Eden stuff, though, puzzles me because the marketing/education material instructed me that the host country was a land of cold winters and Inuit ice fisherman. After a brief moment of introspection, though, I realized that, perhaps, the Olympic brand was preparing the consumer consciousness for the future of Winter Olympic Games in a global warming climate. If so, what is next? Olympic Winter Games held in a humid subtropical climate (Koppen climate classification Cfa) resort?

Is this a gradual rebranding for the future?

If so, the daffodils are backing the bid.

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i welcome Myself

03022010 – 183028

As of today, I, Special Correspondent K., am taking over the bandwidth of this blog (or “clog” as the simple folks around here like to say). For the next thirty-one (31) days, plus or minus a few, I will be reporting from far, far behind (I wasn’t given any tickets–for any daily food allowance, for that matter of fact–”due to the [Ministry] cupboard being bare”) the winter sporting conflict frontlines and offering my Ministry-approved viewpoints on what is promising to be an extraordinarily boring artificial spectacle.

I hope the Live Sites give out free food.

* MINISTER’S COMMENT:

Each and every one of our urban centres Ministry employees (caged unpaid intern chimps excepted) has access to up to three free packs of regular cigarettes per day to control their appetites. It is up to each employee’s own discretion to decide whether to access the three packs of smokes per day or to incur personal costs associated with accessing regular cooked food options. Retrospetively, the Ministry of Words, Sports and Tourism is not responsible for the dietary requirements of individuals with hyperactive thyroid glands and/or non-smoking employees with “healthy appetites”.

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31 days of Olympic, intro

03022010 – 182555

It has recently come to our attention, thanks to the insistent squeaking of our magic public relations leprechaun, that a certain country-and-folk music superpower is playing host to the current Winter Olympic Games. Due largely to the insistence of squeaking of that magic public relations leprechaun (on loan to us from the Ministry of Golden Spring Showers, Summer Watersports and Multi-coloured Rainbows), we came to realize that not having a presence at these silly little games would be detrimental to the seasonal economic stimulation of our economy.

Thus, the Ministry of Words, Sports and Tourism [LINK] for the Best Place on Planet Globe [LINK] has made the immediate and joyous decision to—for the duration of thirty-one (31) days in February—deploy our own Special Recipe Correspondent [LINK to thisisroman.com/SpecialCorrespondentK] to the frontlines of these international-calibre sporting conflicts and record (in writing) the happenings before, during and after—especially after—these events.

The squeaky magical public relations leprechaun, owing to his long-standing professional experience at the Ministry of Golden Spring Showers, Summer Watersports and Multi-coloured Rainbows, then advised us to impress a wealthy yet sexually-starved audience and title our correspondences:

“the 31 days of Olympic”

Straight out, we liked the title immediately. (When we raised the issue that our Special Recipe Correspondent only had enough funding to last him only thirty-one (31) days, the leprechaun responded not to worry, that, in his own words, “most wealthy yet sexually-starved consumers cannot count that high anyway”.)

And, so, as of tomorrow, you will see our Special Correspondent K. hitchhiking his way from the Games. If you see him and have some space in your cattle truck, be nice and give him a ride.

He’s not wearing any long-johns.

* All reports subject to full-body search, scan and/or “petting” as well as 128-censor encryption before release to the unsuspecting public.

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and now for something completely cliché (wiki)

03022010 – 181950

In an effort to stabilize our online presence, the Ministry of Words, Sports and Tourism, the Best Place on the Planet Globe region and I have created a series of wiki entries to familiarize our online audience with our online presence PR brand.

The following original wiki entry concerns special industry content the Ministry funded in an effort to get the husband of my Official Sister “out of the house [to earn a paycheque] once in a while”:


and now for something completely cliché, a faucumentary (2006)

and now for something completely cliché is the working title of a faucumentary (i.e. a “faux-documentary”, pronounced fok-you-menta-ri) by the writer and director Special Correspondent K., also known as the “feeble atrophied mind[ed] preferred ghostwriter” of the former Minister of Words, Sports and Tourism for the Best Place on Planet Globe on his self-styled memoir This Is What I Did and This Is How I Did It, a memoir.

The faucumentary also marked the acting debut for the former Minister of Words, Sports and Tourism for the Best Place on Planet Globe, who had been previously been involved only non-professionally in entertainment industry, though his speaking part in the program is brief and limited in usefulness. (It was an “implied, unspoken prerequisite” for funding—essentially any—by the the Ministry of Words, Sports and Tourism, the principal funder for regional content within the Best Place on Planet Globe.) In this way, the faucumentary exemplifies the tenuous, often intimate relationship between creative industry and the regional Ministry.

The faucumentary, unfortunately, did not attain official, widespread distribution due to the legal “profit challenges” contract fine print and was ultimately shelved, though numerous bootleg copies of the faucumentary, including some rarely seen unique Director’s Cut versions, circulate on the amateur Christmas arts-crafts-and-knitters market and resurface frequently during the holiday season, the DVD cases often sporting unique knitted covers.

As a result, these rare copies have become much sought-after in the knitted-DVD-cover collectors’ market.

Please note: In case of serious wik’dalism (i.e. wiki-vandalism) of our wiki entries, please do your part and revert the texts to these original entries. Thank you.

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This Is What I Did and This Is How I Did It, a memoir (wiki)

03022010 – 181632

In an effort to stabilize our online presence, the Ministry of Words, Sports and Tourism, the Best Place on the Planet Globe region and I have created a series of wiki entries to familiarize our online audience with our online presence PR brand.

The following original wiki entry concerns the title and content of my memoir, the work which I am secretly indirectly marketing through this social media outlet:


This Is What I Did and This Is How I Did It, a memoir

This Is What I Did and This Is How I Did It is the title of a political memoir by the former Minister of Words, Sports and Tourism for the Best Place on Planet Globe, recently self-appointed to the life-time appointment of the Illustrious Leader. The memoir, which was to mark his publishing debut, was a “collaborative effort between the great prowess of [his] virile intellect and the feeble atrophied mind of [his] preferred ghostwriter, Special Correspondent K.”, as his blog states.

As for the reasons for his writing the memoir, they were numerous but were perhaps the most succinctly expressed in the Preface to the memoir itself, which states:

“Over and over, during the span of my illustrious career as the Minister of Words, Sports and Tourism, I was approached by captains of industry, dignitaries of state and just plain cloth individuals and was asked one simple, recurrent question: What exactly did you do to consistently make your region into what your marketing, promotional and educational (in-house) materials proclaimed it to be—that is, the Best Place on the Planet Globe?

“The answer to this question, fortunately, was not to be simple and could not be summed up in less than twelve small to midsized chapters. So, to give rest to enquiring, impressionable minds, I made the joyous decision to write my memoir, bring to light the fascinating details and nuances of my multifaceted and enormously successful career as the leader of the institutionally Best Place on Planet Globe and finally show the world What I Did and How I Did It.

The memoir, according to official press releases, has not yet found Mr. Right Publisher and is not yet ready to commit to anything serious.

Please note: In case of serious wik’dalism (i.e. wiki-vandalism) of our wiki entries, please do your part and revert the texts to these original entries. Thank you.

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the Ministry of Words, Sports and Tourism (wiki)

03022010 – 181127

In an effort to stabilize our online presence, the Ministry of Words, Sports and Tourism, the Best Place on the Planet Globe region and I have created a series of wiki entries to familiarize our online audience with our online presence PR brand.

The following original wiki entry concerns my current employer and future pension provider:


Ministry of Words, Sports and Tourism for the Best Place on Planet Globe, the

The Ministry of Words, Sports and Tourism for the Best Place on Planet Globe is the automated, institutional geo-erotic entity responsible for the day-to-day functioning of the Best Place on Planet Globe region and its economy. It is headed by the former Minister of Words, Sports and Tourism, currently the self-appointed Illustrious Leader.

Please note: In case of serious wik’dalism (i.e. wiki-vandalism) of our wiki entries, please do your part and revert the texts to these original entries. Thank you.

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the Golden Balls Decade (wiki)

03022010 – 180834

In an effort to stabilize our online presence, the Ministry of Words, Sports and Tourism, the Best Place on the Planet Globe region and I have created a series of wiki entries to familiarize our online audience with our online presence PR brand.

The following original wiki entry concerns the anatomy of my success:


Golden Balls Decade, the

The Golden Balls Decade was the popular name of the period of time during which the former Minister of Words, Sports and Tourism for the Best Place on Planet Globe, currently the Illustrious Leader, transformed the region previously simply known as the Region from a swampy colonial backwater into the current Best Place on Planet Globe. (He managed to carry out the unlikely transformation through a series of chronic, ill-timed and yet “immensely Feng Shuei fortunate” schemes, strategies and initiatives, many of which he chronicled in his memoir This Is What I Did and This Is How I Did It, a memoir.)

The Golden Balls Decade did not, contrary to popular opinion, derive its name from the Eastmancolor Dolby SR film Huevos de Oro, but rather from the alleged “Three Golden [Artificial] Testicles” the former Minister of Words, Sports and Tourism for the Best Place on Planet Globe had allegedly installed into his “spacious three bedroom” scrotum after allegedly boasting that “two golden testicles weren’t enough”.

Please note: In case of serious wik’dalism (i.e. wiki-vandalism) of our wiki entries, please do your part and revert the texts to these original entries. Thank you.

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the Illustrious Leader (wiki)

03022010 – 180745

In an effort to stabilize our online presence, the Ministry of Words, Sports and Tourism, the Best Place on the Planet Globe region and I have created a series of wiki entries to familiarize our online audience with our online presence PR brand.

The following original wiki entry concerns my current official title, the Illustrious Leader of our region:


Illustrious Leader, the

The post of the Illustrious Leader is the highest appointed dignitary position in the institutional region of the Best Place on Planet Globe. It is a self-appointed, life-time position and it is currently occupied by the former Minister of Words, Sports and Tourism for the Best Place on Planet Globe.

The Office of the Illustrious Leader (OIL) was created by former Minister of Words, Sports and Tourism (né Lionel Lione) as a response to the lack of an appropriate office in the public sphere “to properly reflected [sic] the intelligence and emotional brilliance of its great leader”, the aforementioned Minister of Words, Sports and Tourism, after he transformed the Region from a swampy colonial backwater into the new post-colonial Best Place on Planet Globe.

As already mentioned in the first paragraph, the title is currently held by the former Minister of Words, Sports and Tourism for the Best Place on Planet Globe and, as his appointment will not expire even after he departs from the physical realm, is ceremoniously embalmed and begins to inhabit the reassuring calm of his specially-built mausoleum, it will be held by him indefinitely.

Please note: In case of serious wik’dalism (i.e. wiki-vandalism) of our wiki entries, please do your part and revert the texts to these original entries. Thank you.

By tbpopg | Posted in wiki entries | Tags: | Leave a Comment